The Art of Parenting(2) -Suki Sivam

The Art of Parenting (2) -Suki Sivam

contd.....

The kid comes from the genes of the parents. He talks about the husband wife relationship which is the foundation for the kid and his/her character.

1) For a good psychological development of a kid, parents shouldn't fight or argue in front of the kids ever, as they cant concentrate in studies nor the play, due to the emotional disturbances. Even during the classes, consciously or subconsciously the images during the fight plays on continuously in their minds.

2) He requests the parents to keep their fights private as we maintain our intimacy private, keeping the kids away from them. Its an important thing to bear in mind. He reveals the root causes for the fights between a husband and a wife.

a)EGO:

Who has to listen to whom first. The couple should be like 50:50. That clarity, that concept if developed there wont be any misunderstandings between each other. Both together should become 100 and not 100 individually. If we are 100% than, there is no necessity of  marriage. Husband and wife are complimentary to each other. The essence of marital relationship is that one cannot live without their spouse.

b) EXPECTATIONS:

When the expectations don't match, it leads to misunderstandings and fights. Preset notions has to be broken and reality have to be seen. One has to understand each other, and the expectations that's practically impossible has to be discarded. " Life is not composed of the expected events, the unexpected events are the essence of the real life. Our behavior during those unexpected events, is our wisdom. Overcoming the life tests and succeeding is life. Its a false belief that only women has to understand men's expectations and men need not.Both has to understand each other and each other's expectations.

A beautiful example  he gives. When a wife asks her husband, " Have you ever asked me, if I have eaten food or not"? Surprised husband said, " I    ,"myself"  eating from your efforts. Why and how can I ask you?".  Its a small expectation of a wife. That gives an idea of simple expectations. A husband can move towards the wife's expectations and the wife can move towards the husband's expectations and they can ignore the practically impossible expectations. That would reduce and remove the gap between the husband and wife.

c) LOVE LIFE:

The secret of successful life is the love life. One has to satisfy the spouse, the opposite person, instead of satisfying themselves. More than satisfying self, making the spouse happy and satisfied is the real success of a married life. Theres a common word that tamil people refer to marriage but in real its the kid that is called by that term "kaal kattu". The real meaning of kaal kattu he reveals as kaal kattu- kaal is air , prana and apanan both seal and the kid is conceived.

d) NEUTRAL:

A man has to be a man and a woman has to be a woman, that's a nature secret for successful life. Not only in the hormones, the thoughts, the life styles, there's a drastic change in each other, so that they become a neutral pole and there's no attraction between each other.

The parents, who want to get divorced, don't think of the kids, that has been created out of the bondage, they don't think of the consequences that affect the child's psychology.  Every father (parent) has a responsibility or a true concern towards their sons (kids). An instance he gives here, where a man was fixing the tiles in the hot sun , not minding his father's cries to do it later. The old man immediately, brings in the baby boy , sleeping in the crib, and puts it in the hot sun. The man immediately gets down and shouts at his father for his act. The old man explains, " As you couldn't bear your son suffering in the hot sun, so could I . To make you realize this, I had to do so." 

The intention, purpose changes right immediately after the kid is born.

Now its just for the sake of the kid , for the successful upbringing of the kid, the parent lives.

Its just the parents who would spend everything that's earned throughout the whole life for the sake of the welfare of the kid.

Disciplining the kid is mandatory and parents shouldn't hesitate. Parents who don't discipline the kids at the appropriate times, would be punished at later times. He narrates a story that he told his daughter to explain about the truth behind disciplining the kid.

He says about the sculptor story to remove the unwanted to bring out the divine nature in us.

its not only the pain of the stone, but also the chisel(parent) along with the pains while taking blows, feels for the pains of the stone too, and it wont stop until it brings the divine nature from the stone( kid).

A FEW TIPS TO PARENTING:

He gives a wonderful idea of FAMILY MEETING. As a company which has meeting everyday to monitor the happenings and improvements and agenda, so a family can do the same.

* Discussing the family goals with the bodies in the family ( wife, kids)

* Parents should not impose their own dreams on the kids.

* A kid if he/she pursues something that they are least interested, because of parents forcing, they cannot shine or succeed in the chosen field.

* Parents should find the taste, the attitude, kid's dreams and encourage them in those lines.

* A true parent will not expect from kids.

(whatever we spend and do for our kids, they may not repay to the parents but they would do to their own kids)

* Kids cannot be blamed , its the parents and their upbringing.

A true responsibility of a parent is to up-bring the kid in a good way. Lets not expect anything from our kids.

He gives an example of Emporer Sivaji's upbringing.

When a woman was offered as a special gift, he went and saw the woman and said, " you are beautiful". On hearing the comment from another man , the lady felt ashamed and put her heads down. He said" he would have been beautiful too" had he been born to her and ordered his men to take her back to her place safely.

History praises Sivaji's mom for her upbringing and nurtured this kind of value in Sivaji. There's a belief too, that mom's happiness is heaven and father's anger is hell. Parents are great, every kid has to realize and without kids there's no life, parents have to realize.

He concludes with a A GREAT QUOTE  " EVERY kid when takes birth is a good one, it all depends on mother's upbringing , the kid becomes good or 'bad' "

A family is a lovable organisation where love is in the center and where spouse live for each other.

Every home has to be an ANANDA NILAYAM , THEN GOD HIMSELF WILL MANIFEST AT THAT HOME.

When we  truly love somebody we would not know/find the mistakes they do.

***

The Art of Parenting(1) - Suki Sivam

The Art of Parenting(1) - Suki Sivam

My friend shared me this video by Suki Sivam, and asked me to translate it into English to best of my knowledge, am trying it here to share the knowledge to benefit every one, When I heard him through this video,  made a deep impact in our life and parenthood. I wish to share the video here. suki sivam has lectured in one of the south Indian languages, Tamil.  Suki Sivam  is a motivational, philosophical , religious speaker.

The topic that he discusses is about THE ART OF PARENTING. I have tried to make the list that he has emphasized on parenting for the benefit of our friends and families.

A family is consisted of a husband, a wife and kid(s). Its a beautiful net that is woven with lots of love. Its the behavior and nature of the parents that comes inside the family.He gives a casual instance that happened at a home." A father asks his son to get married, the son denies saying he is

not interested.When his father raises his concern to his wife, the wife says, hes watching us fighting everyday and so he has arrived to a conclusion about his marriage".

It may be a bit funny incident but it bears lots of insight when pondered upon.

1) Kids arrive at a conclusion with the incidents.

2) Kids always have their parents as their role models and imagine that their lives will be the same as that of their parents.

A serious thought that he shares in the form of a joke. A common instance that many of us have experienced, when our parents have compared our scores with our neighbor friends.Once a father was lamenting to his kid, everything is the same as it is to ur friend, the same school, the same tuition, the same facility, how is that he has scored more and you have failed, the kid replied , " but parents are different".

Everything or most of the things comes from the parents through genes. Some of the qualities and behaviors they are passed on through genes, explains genetics. 

There are two ways of the qualities and behavior that are passed on to kids. One through genes, the other is through the habits of the parents, which when kid observes , they tend to adopt and follow.

Some of the kids on seeing their parents may think, they SHOULD NOT BE like this, but at the same time, its default that, many of the other kids they follow.

In order to make their kids successful  every parent has to retrospect about   themselves and their behaviors. 1) When we complain about our kids and their behavior  has it occurred how far we are right?  There is no 'specific character' that is dominant in the gene. At every particular period of time, one of the qualities in the gene dominates.Once Mahatma Gandhi was questioned, when his drunkard son was on the roads. He said, "this son of mine was born when I was an animal". "I was drinking at those times and he was born , how will be my kid then ?."  That particular quality was dominant those times and now my son is like that. AFTER LOTS OF EXPERIENCING, our ancestors decided to 'register the nature, behavior before they go for the kids'.

Even a simple peon position has lots a screenings and their qualifications.A man becomes a biological father, not psychologically. The kid born to this kind of parent, how can he/she be a matured kid. An important fact he says ' becoming parent because of accidents is more than planning to be a parent'. It happens by chance and not by choice. A VERY IMPORTANT POINT TO NOTE AND THINK UPON .

He narrates an important incident from the life of Adi Sankara. Once God appeared in Sankara's parents dreams who were childless by then. God asked the Man," what kind of kid do you want?. One with short life or long life?" The man asked the reason behind it. God answered if its with short life, I will bless you with a kid of good nature, if its of long life I would bless you with a son of otherwise. The man answered something and wake up immediately. At the same time the wife who was sleeping beside him also wakes up. The man asked his wife why did she get up. She shared the same dream that the man had. She said, " how can I alone decide on what type of kid we want". I told God , " I will ask my husband and then answer him and got up immediately" Stunned was the husband as he said the same reply to God. SUCH IS THE RESPECT SHE BEARS TOWARDS HER HUSBAND, SUCH IS THE FAITH HE BEARS TOWARDS HIS WIFE. Adi sankara was born to this couple.

A kid has no gender 'preference', boy or a girl. A kid is a kid. preferring boy over a girl ( if there is) is a bad concept that has sprouted just in recent times. He says his experiences when he had his 2nd baby girl, where the taxi driver felt bad for he is having two baby girls. Any kid when that's groomed in a right way , and made as a good citizen, it is a success. Because of Indra Gandhi  Nehru felt proud and because of Rajiv Gandhi, Indra Gandhi felt proud. So its not that if its a son its a pride and if its a daughter its otherwise.

He shares a joke here.Those days, every home had more kids. Once the kids went inside the bus and got their seats whichever was available.An old man asked one of the kids her name. She said its '8' and said my father named us with numbers so that he wont forget our names.The old man pointing to other kid asked whats her name. she said its '8a' as she was her twin sister.

 These days, parents prefer only one kid. The trouble  is, the kid don't have the knowledge or experience of sharing, being compassionate, brotherhood. Its now , the feeling of  selfishness pervades, 'my toy', 'my book', 'my this', 'my that'.

In that case, we have to make our kids to mingle with other kids bringing in the sense of  brotherhood, the joy of sharing with others.

(to be contd).

Home made bindi from Sago

According to Hindu culture, bindis are important for various reasons. For kids, its to ward off the evil, black bindis are used.
In these modern times, many of us use Sticker bindis. A few are comfortable with it , but in many others, it has developed many ill effects like the white spot on their foreheads( due to the use of the stickers over significant periods, itching, red spots and so on) . I have heard and seen from my relatives and friends.When I was browsing about it, I found a doctor statement which I am sharing here.
Allergic Contact Dermatitis (an acute allergic inflammation of the skin) to kumkum (powder) and bindi (sticker) is common in Indian women who have used them continuously over a period of years. “The exact composition in kumkum powder is not known but it usually contains starch or chalk powder with a coloring agent,” says Gutte. Sticker bindis contain a gum to which “sensitive skins may react."
I started to think over it seriously when I saw a few rashes on my daughter's forehead after using the sticker bindis.
Thankfully I got a method online to make home made bindis for kids and I made it at home and started to use for my daughter. Here I share the same with you all. If you know other methods , I would appreciate if you share with us. Its about learning and sharing and in a way we can help each other.

Home made bindi(courtesy indus ladies).

Sago/Javvarisi-- 1/2 cup
Water- 1/4 cup or as needed.

Method:

Dry roast the sago in medium flame till it becomes dark brown and eventually black.( beware of the smokes that it produces while roasting).
After it comes dark brown start to add water little by little so that sago starts to melt in the water.

It will melt in a few mins and then it will start to get thickened. Once it starts to thicken in couple of mins , take the pan off the flame and pour it in a glass bowl.( I have used a glass bowl here). It will solidify in a few hours. When needed, take a few drops of water and rub using thumb.Taking a small thick drop , we can use as bindi for kids. It doesnot peel off until we do. It stays on the forehead for a full day.

half cup of sago

the colour changes from white to brown and then to dark

boiling  in water and dissolving

thickening

the final home made bindi mixture transferred in to the bowl to get cooled n solidify


WISH U ALL A VERY HAPPY PONGAL.
Let this year be filled with lots of joy and sweetness in life.

 

 

Happy New Year 2013

Happy New Year 2013

This blog is a beautiful place to meet and share with many people. A wonderful opportunity to connect to people with just a click.  I wanted to share a few ideas  here that we, as a parent thought of at our home, with our friends, and if any suggestions and ideas, they are welcome.

A brand New Year has already begun, five days have gone. Many years have come and passed by.

But this year , when I was talking with a friend, out of his inspiration, there was a different thought that came across in the mind. The usual tradition was making individual resolutions that we had worked for or even sometimes had been forgotten of.

This year we wanted to have a resolution for the family, involving everybody in the family even the kids.

The individual resolutions includes  better health, improved financial status, and so on.

when I saw my baby pulling my hands to grab my attention towards her , there was a striking thought , why cant we make a resolution involving the kid and family, even if the kid is much smaller to make resolutions or even talk about it, having them with you and talking to them, while making the resolutions will make them feel involved.

If the kid is a little older, we can discuss about their studies,their interests, their ambitions and so many other things.

The kids who can write can write, they can write their things that they have achieved, and the things they wanna achieve and ask them to draw a plan , that helps them in planning , helps them focus and concentrate and find a way to achieve their aim. Planning, Concentration may sound like big words when we talk about kids, but I believe they have more ability to do that and catch the idea.

Review them after a regular interview. be it monthly or quarterly , when the kids have achieved it we can reward them and acknowledge their efforts and achievements. that will make the kid happy and take the interest to do it better.

We have to serve as a role model. They do observe and watch us. Though they don't really see us, yet they watch us. So parents we have to follow the same that we say to them

A few resolutions for this year , for my kid too

1) Listen to the kid with ear and heart.

2) Working with the kid on what the kid really needs. For ex, this year the priority is potty training.

4) Apart from helping the kids with their homework  food and stuffs, a few mins with them just hearing, listening, talking, observing them.

5) Specific timings during studying, eating, sleep early , getting up early,reducing the usage of gadgets like ipad, mobiles for games and game consoles, watching tv.

6) Involving the kid for house chores, cleaning up their toys, placing the things in appropriate places.

A few for us includes,

1) Lets "express" the kids our love, instead of leaving it to their understanding. Be it in disciplining them or pampering them or anything.

2) A responsible attitude towards the kid, treating her like an adult, with due respect, unconditional love, disciplining.

3) Growing with the kid in all terms.

4) Learning - of them, with them, for them, from them.

I wish to share the Quotes that inspired me towards better parenting.

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We wish you and your family a very happy and delightful NEW YEAR with full of cherished moments.